Some clever title

I am amassing a few piles over here. Snotty tissues. Candy wrappers. Tea cups.

The King's Speech is finally On Demand and I am making an attempt to watch it. There are a couple things weighing on my mind... and even more so on my heart. My mom and I visited her mother in the hospital today. It was awful.

Over the past few years we've been in and out of the hospital with her and she always pulls through. I don't see that happening this time and the thing that is breaking my heart is that I think grandmom believes she is going to get better. She can't eat, she can barely stay awake. I'm told that her heartbeat is slowing. She looks very pale and so fragile.

I've never really dealt with the passing of someone so close to me in my adult life and I'm afraid I've not been very brave. Not that I need to be necessarily but I'm constantly on the brink of tears and it's exhausting. I feel so sad.

If you are very lucky, you've had a grandmom like her. :) She's my Italian gmom that could cook like you wouldn't believe, would always ask if you are hungry and took care of everyone else she knew in the world before thinking of herself. Her faith and her love knows no bounds. I admire her so much and I always have, ever since I can remember.

As Italians, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen. Of course! She would always have those cans of Hawaiian Punch and those Keebler fudge striped cookies with the hole in the middle. I always put my little fingers through the holes and said it was a ring. I still do that. There were so many dinners, awesome dinners, at their house. We spent so much time with my grandparents when we were young and for that I am so thankful.

I think of her all the time and I always will. The funniest things remind me of her but the most beautiful reminder is my engagement ring. My grandfather (also named Paul) gave her this diamond before they got married and she didn't even hesitate to give the ring to my mother when she knew that my Paul wanted to marry me.

Remembering her the way that I do makes it so, so hard to see her the way she is now. It was lovely to hear how much the nurses love her and how upset they are... but it also made me cry over and over again today.  I want to know what to do or say to put her at ease. I feel so helpless and so sad. I hate leaving her and the thought of her being alone there in the hospital room.

Sigh.

Paul is away this weekend too which makes this all the more sucky.

Anyway, my tissue pile has doubled in size since I started typing. Guess I should take that to the trash and try to watch this movie. The king might have to wait for another day though.