This is what Dreams were made for...

As I'm beginning this post it is 2:30 am. I've not been inspired to write recently, I would imagine because my grandmother passed away on May 7th and I didn't want to go through it all again... but I just had a dream that I don't want to forget so here goes.

We called grandmom 'Sassy G' - not to her, of course, but whenever we talked about her outside of her house. She was hilarious. She was the most wonderful, selfless, caring, loving person you would ever meet on this earth - but she also had no qualms about telling you exactly what she thought of a person or a situation. Sometimes it wasn't so positive. Haha.. we loved it because we never realized she was like that until we got older. One of the many, many perks of getting to know your grandparents in your adult life. There were so many questions I got to ask her, that I never would have thought of as a kid, and we got to talk about a lot. I feel very lucky and I really do miss her every single day.

I feel so sad that I didn't spend more time with her in the weeks before she passed. I let life really get in the way and it was unnecessary, meaningless junk when I think about it. I should have spent Easter here, I should have gotten down to her place more. The Tuesday before she went into the hospital for the last time I called her. I wanted to bring some lunch and she agreed at first. A few minutes later though I got a call back - she was tired and just wanted to rest. "I wouldn't be very good company" she said... so I didn't go. At least we made sure to say our I love yous.

The church service was beautiful and it was tough to leave her at the cemetery. That's all I'll say about that.

Fast forward a few weeks to 2 am today - I just freaked out a little and I can't get back to sleep. This is the dream:

I'm in the kitchen of the apartment I share with Paul. There is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, no weird dream exaggerations or anything. I'm washing dishes and wondering when Paul will be home which is pretty much a daily occurrence. I hear the lock click of our front door but something tells me it's not Paul so I walk around to see who is there. Grandmom is standing in my living room in her beige jacket that she wore a lot. Now, she has never been to my apartment and in the dream I know that she has passed away. I stand and stare for a second because I am pretty much terrified. She is smiling a strange smile I don't recognize on her which, now that I am awake and thinking about it, creeps me out a bit and she looks a little younger. I think after a couple seconds I don't even care that this is a ghost of her and I hug her very tightly, like I'm hanging on for dear life. I tell her how much I miss her and that I love her. Unfortunately I cannot remember what the rest of our conversation was but I do recall that I told her a hundred times that I love her and I miss her.

For some reason, when she needs to leave, she goes through the front door again. It was confusing because I though ghosts just appeared and disappeared? Haha! We are on the ground floor here and when she got outside she was looking at me through our window. This is when Paul comes home. He comes directly to the window and he's looking at me as he bends down with his hands on his knees and I'm wondering if he can see her... as I'm thinking that, he turns his head and looks directly at her with this shocked and amazed expression. He looks back and forth at the both of us for a second and I think he may have said something to her but I can't remember. Grandmom seems like she doesn't want many people to see her and she starts to walk along the windows to the back of our apartment complex. A girl that Paul and I went to school with pulls up in her minivan at this point and she sees grandmom too... she says "Steph, is this your dead grandmother?!" and that is when I woke up.

It's not unusual for me to dream about people I know that have passed away. However, when I dream about them it is usually in odd circumstances - my grandfathers playing cards in a smoky bar that somehow ended up inside a hospital, my uncle sitting on the side of a local road in a beach chair - stuff like that. Those dream are not super often either. Since my grandmom passed, I've had two dreams about her and they were perfectly realistic. In the other dream she was sitting in my parents' living room eating a lot of food and she said she felt so much better now that she was eating. This was days after she passed and it was nice to hear her say that in her voice because the last time I saw her was not pleasant.

The dream from an hour ago though has really thrown me for a loop. I've never had a dream like that in my life. I'm not super surprised that I am dreaming about her because we are in the process of going through her things and anyway I look at her picture everyday. There's one on my phone, one in my wallet and a few scattered around the apartment. I think about her all the time but I just can't get over how real all of that felt.

I don't know what to believe about the afterlife and ghosts but I sincerely hope that, if grandmom is still out there somewhere, she felt what I just felt with her and she knows what I said to her in the dream. I do love her and miss her so much.

Maybe I can fall back asleep now? Not sure...

Love

Grandmom's health has sharply declined since yesterday. She doesn't even look like herself. Her breathing is labored... she is asleep, thank god, most of the time. She can't talk to us even when she wants to because she throws up. It's torturous all around. Yesterday she was sighing in her sleep, today she is twitching a lot.

So basically one of the worst things ever. Ever.

I'm not sure what she is hanging on for or waiting for but I hope she finds it soon... and I wish grandpop would stop sitting on benches with other ladies and come get this woman. She's more than ready. Grandmom once told Paul and I that my grandfather always sat with the ladies at the place they were living... then eventually she would come home and find him sitting with one lady out back on a bench all the time. I'm gonna have some words with him one day about that but gmom can first when she gets up there. She certainly hadn't forgotten about it!

Today I had a weird moment when I felt so much love for grandmom and when I looked at her, she felt a little bit like a stranger. Of course I didn't love her any less. There's no way that could ever happen. It was just a scary little feeling. I realized that I felt almost the same feeling (just minus scary and plus so much joy) when my little nephew was born in December. I saw the whole thing and it was freaking amazing. I just remember before he was born how I had already assigned so much love to this imaginary little person... and then when I saw his face he was a tiny little stranger. It was a weird feeling but then it was awesome. Now it is just seriously upsetting.

At least today there were more people around from our family... it's nice to have had some pleasant moments at the hospital today, unlike yesterday.

Some clever title

I am amassing a few piles over here. Snotty tissues. Candy wrappers. Tea cups.

The King's Speech is finally On Demand and I am making an attempt to watch it. There are a couple things weighing on my mind... and even more so on my heart. My mom and I visited her mother in the hospital today. It was awful.

Over the past few years we've been in and out of the hospital with her and she always pulls through. I don't see that happening this time and the thing that is breaking my heart is that I think grandmom believes she is going to get better. She can't eat, she can barely stay awake. I'm told that her heartbeat is slowing. She looks very pale and so fragile.

I've never really dealt with the passing of someone so close to me in my adult life and I'm afraid I've not been very brave. Not that I need to be necessarily but I'm constantly on the brink of tears and it's exhausting. I feel so sad.

If you are very lucky, you've had a grandmom like her. :) She's my Italian gmom that could cook like you wouldn't believe, would always ask if you are hungry and took care of everyone else she knew in the world before thinking of herself. Her faith and her love knows no bounds. I admire her so much and I always have, ever since I can remember.

As Italians, most of my memories of her are in the kitchen. Of course! She would always have those cans of Hawaiian Punch and those Keebler fudge striped cookies with the hole in the middle. I always put my little fingers through the holes and said it was a ring. I still do that. There were so many dinners, awesome dinners, at their house. We spent so much time with my grandparents when we were young and for that I am so thankful.

I think of her all the time and I always will. The funniest things remind me of her but the most beautiful reminder is my engagement ring. My grandfather (also named Paul) gave her this diamond before they got married and she didn't even hesitate to give the ring to my mother when she knew that my Paul wanted to marry me.

Remembering her the way that I do makes it so, so hard to see her the way she is now. It was lovely to hear how much the nurses love her and how upset they are... but it also made me cry over and over again today.  I want to know what to do or say to put her at ease. I feel so helpless and so sad. I hate leaving her and the thought of her being alone there in the hospital room.

Sigh.

Paul is away this weekend too which makes this all the more sucky.

Anyway, my tissue pile has doubled in size since I started typing. Guess I should take that to the trash and try to watch this movie. The king might have to wait for another day though.

Aww.. so cute!

How happy am I that TBS started showing Home Improvement in the mornings? VERY!

This morning when Paul left (after enjoying a delicious smoothie that I made for him) we stood at the door and exchanged our usual goodbyes. I happened to be smacking him on the ass when one of our elderly neighbors passed by. Ha! She liked when we said our I love you's and dubbed it to be "so cute"... so the rest of the apartment dwellers will know our morning ritual by this afternoon I suspect. She is one of the chatty ones.

So, smoothies are the best! I am on a kick. I never made them before this weekend and they are the best! Until this morning we've just been using strawberries but today I added some banana. Delicious! We have some pears and mangos that are next on the list! Also on Sunday we had some friends visit and I made mashed potatoes for the first time... they were really good too. The internet is so awesome for great recipe ideas.

Not much is stirring on the wedding front. Now that I've got a few important details squared away I am budgeting for the rest of the wedding. Oh and I have been way overly obsessed with the Royal Wedding, of course. I'm pretty much over it now besides that fact that their wedding was basically how I want ours to be.

An unlimited supply of money is the only thing I'm missing.